


Somehow Lost

by Chelsea072498



Category: SPN, Supernatural
Genre: Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-08
Updated: 2018-06-08
Packaged: 2019-05-19 18:36:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14879075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chelsea072498/pseuds/Chelsea072498
Summary: Reader makes a desperate decision after she believes Dean will die at Amara's hands. She and Dean later learn once again that magic comes at a price.





	Somehow Lost

##  **Somehow Lost**

_Their hands met reaching for the same book._

_“Sorry.” She couldn’t bring herself to look at him._

_“Y/N, please…” Dean pleaded with her._

_“Dean, stop.” Y/N finally dared to look into the beautiful olive green eyes she loved. “You made your choice, I’m making mine.” She kissed him softly. “I love you, Dean Winchester.”_

_“Y/N…”_

_“Don’t say anything. I don’t want your last words to me to be lies.” She kissed him again and grabbed her bag. “I’ll never forget you.”_

_“Sweetheart…”_

_“Goodbye, Dean.”_

~*~

    Those last minutes with Y/N played through his head all the time. When he’s been locked up, alone with his thoughts, Dean had thought about her often. It had been almost a year since she’d left. Y/N thought that his last meeting with Amara would be his death. She told him she couldn’t go through losing him again. She’d grabbed her things and left just before they did.

    In the months since then, Dean wanted to call her. He wanted her to know he was okay. Sam had tried to reach her, but her phones were all disconnected.

    As he pulled into the assisted living facility in the small Oklahoma town, he pushed all thoughts of Y/N aside. He had to work. Dean knew he had to focus on the job.

    “Why would Rowena call us here?” Dean asked.

    “She said we owed her one,” Sam grumbled. He knew she’d call to collect. He’d expected it sooner.

    Dean got his badge ready, but Rowena was waiting when they walked in.

    “I was here for someone else. An old friend needed something to help her mother’s last day more comfortable,” Rowena began to explain. “I was stunned. I had no idea….”

    “What did you do?” Dean asked.

    Rowena raised an eyebrow. “I didn’t do anything, Dean. Y/N did it on her own.”

    “Y/N?” Sam looked at her.

    Dean’s eyes widened and his heart began pounding. “My Y/N?”

    “Yes.” Rowena nodded. “I recognized the signature the one who did this left. Y/N was dying of a broken heart.”

    Dean swallowed. “She’s here?”

    “Aye.” Rowena took a deep breath. “I don’t think I can help her. Not in anyway that will bring any happiness to this situation.”

    “What do you mean?”

    Rowena led them down several halls to a small room. Dean walked past her and saw Y/N sitting by the window looking outside.

    “Y/N, Sweetheart? It’s me.”

    “She’s unresponsive, Dean.” Rowena saw Sam’s face. He understood.

    “What? Why?”

    “She asked another witch for a spell to save her heart. The witch took advantage-don’t worry, I’ve dealt with her-and froze Y/N. She’s frozen in her own body.”

    Dean walked to her. “Hey, I’m here, Sweetheart.” He kissed her forehead. “I’m here….”

    Sam looked at Rowena. “Can anything be….”

    “Not without consequences. Y/N tried to call me but it was when we got Lucifer.”

    “Can you bring her back?” Dean asked.

    “Of course, but magic comes with a price, Dean. You know that.”

    Dean shrugged. “Bring her back to me. Damn it, bring her back to me!”

    Rowena sighed. “I need some things. I need some time. Samuel, will you assist me, please?”

    “Yeah,” Sam said and looked at his brother. “You okay?”

    “I’ve got Y/N. I’m better than I’ve been in a long time.”

    A few hours later, Rowena performed the spell. She spoke the Latin clearly and dropped the final ingredient in slowly.

    Y/N’s eyes blinked. She turned her head slightly. “Dean?” Her voice was hoarse, scratchy.

    “Shh.” He handed her some water. “I’m here, Y/N.”

    Y/N looked at Sam and Rowena. “Why?”

    “It’s a long story. Sam called you. I wanted to. I was scared.” He pulled her into his arms. “Sweetheart, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

    “It’s fine, Dean. It’s,” she stuttered as she saw the look exchanged between Sam and Rowena, “it’s fine.”

    The doctors wanted her to wait to leave, but she insisted she was ready. Y/N thanked Rowena and hugged Sam. “Take care, Sammy.”

    “Y/N?”

    She turned to Dean. “I’m glad Amara didn’t kill you. I’m really happy for you that your mother is back.”

    “Why does this sound like a goodbye?” Dean asked.

    Y/N looked into his eyes. “That’s what it is, isn’t it?”

    “You’re coming home with me. I have so much to say to you. I have so much to make up to you.”

    “Dean, I don’t think….”

    He begged her. Dean told her that he wanted her home, with him. Y/N gave in, but Sam saw so many things that Dean couldn’t. Y/N was confused. She was scared.

    Y/N was not in love with Dean Winchester anymore.

    The bunker felt different than a year before. Sam had grown accustomed to Y/N sneaking in and out of Dean’s room. Dean had never wanted Sam to know what was going on. Y/N had accepted that Dean wasn’t ready for their relationship to be open. Dean moved her into his room the moment that they got back to the bunker. Y/N asked him for some time, and he agreed, but asked her to stay with him that night, to talk.

    Y/N’s body responded to his touch as if no time passed between them. She gave into his kisses and felt the passion between them.

    She didn’t feel the love that she knew she once had.

    Weeks passed. Dean seemed oblivious to everything except his own happiness at having Y/N home. She grew more and more quiet, almost completely withdrawn. She soon faked being asleep when he came to bed to avoid any intimate contact.

    Sam found her one morning, crying, shaking, and packing.

    “Y/N.”

    “I can’t do this, Sam.” She looked at him. “I can’t pretend things are the way he sees them.” Y/N wiped her eyes. “Sammy, why don’t I love him anymore?”

    He held her while she cried and tried to calm her down. “Rowena said the spell you asked the witch not only froze you, but it took the pain you were feeling, the cause of it, and it erased it. We were hoping maybe you’d fall back in love with him.”

    “I want to.” She squeezed her eyes shut. “Sam, I loved him. I remember how much I loved Dean. I was angry with him for wanting to hide it. We were….years….”

    “I know.” Sam looked down.

    “Before he became a demon, he told me things would change. He said he wanted to tell you and try things out in the open, at least in the bunker. Once you cured him, he changed his mind. We went back where we started.” Y/N sighed. “I care about him. That’s why I can’t stay like this. I do care about Dean and I don’t want to hurt him anymore than I know I’m going to.”

    “I know, Y/N.” Sam kissed the top of her head. “He’ll be back soon.”

    “I know.” She stood up. “It’s okay if I take Charlie’s Beetle?”

    “She’d want you to have it.” Sam smiled.

    Dean returned home a few hours later. He smiled. It was Valentine’s Day. The first one he’d ever celebrated. He had roses, chocolate, lotions, oils, Y/N’s favorite meal ready to cook, and something else he couldn’t wait to put on her finger.

_Lay a whisper on my pillow,_

_Leave the winter on the ground._

_I wake up lonely, there’s air of silence_

_In the bedroom and all around_

    Y/N drove, no true destination in mind. Tears fell down her cheek remembering things from before she’d left the bunker exactly a year to the day before, and things since returning to the bunker. It was painful to think about. Dean had always treated her well, even when he didn’t want anyone to know he was with her.

_Touch me now, I close my eyes and dream away._

    Dean stared at the note. She was gone. She didn’t love him anymore. She hadn’t since…. Dean was still holding the roses he’d carried in there. Dean took a few deep breaths. He tried to push Rowena’s words from his head. She’d warned him. Magic comes at a price.

_Make-believing we’re together_

_That I’m sheltered by your heart._

_But in and outside I’ve turned to water_

_Like a teardrop in your palm._

    She stared at the rain pouring down. Y/N was fifty miles from the bunker. She’d messaged Sam, but he told her they were in Michigan working a case. She told him she needed to see Dean.

    “Y/N? Are you sure?”

    “I need to tell him something.”

    Sam was relieved. Dean had been miserable for months. He’d wandered around the bunker drunk for weeks before Sam, Mary, and Cas gave him a dose of tough love. He was doing much better. Dean claimed to be over Y/N.

    It wasn’t until Dean fought with Sam over seeing Y/N that he actually believed Dean had moved on.

    “Maybe closure wouldn’t be a bad thing, Dean. She’s a hell of a hunter and Y/N loves the research. This is her home. Go clear the air, bring her home, we’ll figure out the week or two of awkwardness and then it’ll settle down.”

    Eventually Dean gave in. Sam messaged Y/N and told her they were coming. Dean said nothing until they got to her street. He opened the driver’s side door and got out.

    “I’m going for a walk. Call me when you’ve spoken to her.”

    “Dean?”

    “She can’t come back. Not this time. I opened myself up to her and….”

    Sam got out of the car. “Dean, that’s not her fault! She didn’t know….”

    “She played with magic, Sam. Y/N knew. She did worse. She just left me a Dear Dean letter and drove off like it was nothing.” Dean’s eyes showed his pain. “I loved her, Sammy. I really did.”

    “You don’t love her anymore?”

    Dean shrugged. “She fell out of love with me. Why’s it so hard to believe I’d fall out of love with her?”

    “Damn it, Dean. See her. Get some closure.”

    “You get your closure,” Dean said. “I’m going to find a bar. Text me when you finish up here.”

    Sam watched his brother walk in the opposite direction. Sam got into the Impala and turned onto Y/N’s street. He saw the old Beetle parked in front of a small yellow house. Y/N must have heard the car because she stepped outside.

    Her hair was pulled into a messy knot and she was wearing scrubs. “Hey, Sam.”

    “Y/N?” Sam smiled. “You’re…”

    “I did go to nursing school for a reason and thankfully I was never declared dead by the federal government.” She looked past him. “Where’s Dean?”

    “He drove with me and then left to…Y/N, he said he doesn’t want to see you. Ever.”

    Y/N looked stunned by that. “I was afraid he may feel that way. I was crushed when I left, Sam. I didn’t understand why I didn’t love him anymore. I remember how much I love him. He was my everything.”

    “You were his,” Sam told her.

    Tears threatened her eyes. “Maybe…I…my feelings were…” She shook her head. “It must have been love this entire time because I feel completely gutted.”

    “I’m sorry.” Sam reached out to her, but she stepped back.

    “No, you have to go.” She looked at him and then kissed his cheeks. “Maybe we can get together soon. I just need to accept that Dean is not going to be in my life at all. I don’t want to hunt anymore. I can’t do it. I like the life I have here. I just wanted to try and get my friends back.”

    “Give it time.” Sam looked into her eyes.

    She hugged him one last time. “I’m working in an hour so I need to get ready to go.”

    “Yeah, of course.” Sam knew better. She’d invited them to dinner. “Take care of yourself. Call me if you need anything. I’m not that far away.”

    “Thanks, Sam.”

    She went back inside and turned to watch him leave. She closed the front door and sank against it crying.

    She hadn’t loved Dean since Rowena brought her back from the personal hell she’d condemned herself to. Y/N had never told anyone, but she had thought of Dean the entire time she’d been under the spell. Her mind continuously played their greatest hits over and over. Waking up to him next to her, something in her snapped.

    A few weeks after she left, everything changed again.

    She heard the soft cries and walked into the bedroom.

    “Hello, sweet Angel.” Y/N picked the baby up. “Oh, Valerie, I’m sorry, Baby girl.” She kissed the top of her head. “I could have told Uncle Sam.” She knew she should have told Sam. “One day, Valerie. I’ll tell your Daddy about you one day.”

_It must have been love but it’s over now._

_It was all that I wanted, now I’m living without._

    Sam walked into the bar. “You ready?”

    “You saw her?” Dean asked.

    “She’s working at the hospital now,” Sam said. “She’s happy to be out of the life.”

    “Good.” Dean tried to hide it, but he was regretting not going with Sam. “She shouldn’t have been sucked into this anyway.”

    “Go see her,” Sam urged his brother.

    Dean looked at Sam. He considered this. Seeing Y/N, telling her goodbye face to face.

    “No.” Dean finished his beer. “If I see her, I’ll do something real stupid.”

    “Dean.”

    “Don’t mention her again.” Dean said. “Ever. I’ll break your nose.”

    Sam took a deep breath and knew that the discussion was closed. This was Dean’s way of moving on.

    “I’ll drive,” Sam said. “You’ve had a few.”

    “Whatever.” Dean was in no mood to argue. “Get me a bacon cheeseburger. And some pie.”

    “Sure.” Sam watched his brother. “Dean, are you sure you don’t want to see…”

    “What did I say?” Dean screamed. “No! Don’t ask me again!”

_It must have been love but it’s over now,_

_It’s where the water flows, it’s where the wind blows._

    After changing, Y/N decided to give it a little while before loading Valerie and going to pick up something to eat. She’d planned to grill burgers but decided it was better to wait until someone she worked with was off and could come share the food with her.

    As she turned into the parking lot of the burger place she liked, Y/N saw the Impala waiting at the window. Sam was driving. Dean’s eyes were on her. She stopped the car and looked over at him, their eyes meeting for the first time in months. He gave her a small smile and winked. She smiled back and mouthed, “I’m sorry, Dean.”

    A car honked and she had to pull away. She parked and turned her head in time to see the Impala leave the parking lot. Y/N waited a few minutes before she stepped from the car and grabbed Valerie. The Winchesters were gone. She knew Sam may be back eventually. Dean wouldn’t be.

    Sam looked at his brother. “I can turn the car around.”

    “No.” Dean shook his head. “Sam, she didn’t love me when I realized how much I loved her. I wasn’t fair to her. I didn’t think she was fair to me but maybe she was. I didn’t commit to her for years…”

    “I’m turning the car around.”

    “No!” Dean shook his head. “It’s done, Sam. Let’s just go home.”

_Yeah, it must have been love but it’s over now._

_It was all that I wanted, now I’m living without._

_It must have been love but it’s over now,_

_It’s where the water flows, it’s where the wind blows._


End file.
